A Testimonial of Gratitude to my “Family”

Every person has their own story to tell. Whether we share that story with others or not is entirely up to the individual. I am choosing to share. Not because I believe my story is more important than anybody else’s, but because maybe in sharing my story I can inspire someone else to share theirs.

Contrary to popular belief I haven’t always been the strong, confident young woman most of you know today. The journey to be the best me I can be has been a long road of ups and downs and twists and turns and I’m not even at the end. I won’t bore you all with the details of my childhood but I do want to share an excerpt of my life that has helped me become the person I am today.

Maya Angelou once said, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” I can personally attest that that is one of the truest statements ever made. I was once a big proponent of silence. Not too long ago in fact I made it a goal of mine to maintain a level of invisibility to achieve going it alone with greater ease. I didn’t want anyone to know my business, my past, my feelings, my thoughts. Nothing. I wanted nothing more than to get up, go to work, keep my head down, and hope that no one made eye contact with me so I wouldn’t have to make conversation. Why? Because I was afraid people would judge me. But in reality the only one judging me was myself.

When I was sixteen years old I was sexually assaulted at a party. Instead of reaching out for help I internalized the issue. I was convinced it was my own fault and I was too ashamed to tell anyone. I turned to food not only to cope but also as a mechanism to make myself fat so I would become so unattractive and gross no guy would ever want to touch me again. I was drowning in self disgust, self loathing, and was teetering on the edge of suicide. One day I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to take back control of my life before it was too late. Finally coming forward about being sexually assaulted was not easy, and I was not met with the support that I was desperately in need of. But as I stood in front of the mirror one day and didn’t recognize the person staring back at me, hollow eyed, pushing 200 pounds, I knew I had to do something. So I joined a gym. Where I met the most obnoxious, loud, cocky, abrasive, Jillian Michaels wannabe personal trainer named Christina, who called me every time I missed a session, texted me to make sure I ate breakfast, and never gave up on me, even when I gave up on myself. With hard work, and lots of failure before my successes I began to make strides in the right direction. It was an ugly process filled with sweat, tears, set backs, and endless frustrating gym sessions. But I’ve continued to push forward and plug away at my goals as I slowly learned and re-learned, and re-learned again, the meaning and value of self-respect and the importance of surrounding myself with people who are going to support me and not tear me down. In learning to love myself, and put in the work for myself, I have overcome many obstacles to transform into the person I am today. I followed Christina from gym to gym and have settled in nicely with my new “family” at Get In Shape for Women Danvers. With the never ending support of Linda, the manager, and the incredible mentoring from Michael, another trainer, and of course the tough love from Christina, I have a new found love for working out, absorbing physiological knowledge, and working towards helping others achieve their own personal fitness goals. With their love and support I have gained confidence in myself that has enabled me to be proud to share my story, and the courage to volunteer to share that story.

I walk into that gym no matter what kind of day I’ve been having, or what kind of mood I am in, and I can’t help but smile. I walk in and I just light up. Whether it’s hearing Linda shout my name at the top of her lungs, attempting to perfect but never quite getting the secret handshake right with Michael, or walking into a workout from hell (that I love) with Christina, I am eternally grateful to have them in my life. Not to mention all the women stopping to shout, “hi Kate!” or to tell me how great they feel after last workout, or just to tease me about one thing or another, I can’t help but feel like I have become apart of something special. I have a team of people behind me 100% and I have never been happier.

Straight From the Locker Room

The gym is my second home. Actually, sometimes I feel like it’s my first. No matter what is going on in my life, and there definitely is a lot going on right now, when I am at the gym I feel safe. I feel comfortable. I feel at home. This morning I went to the gym and did 147 squats in less than 4 minutes. And it really amped me up. It was fist pump worthy. Now, I can barely walk and sitting down is out of the question. But the pain is not pain. It’s an annoyance that I accept with pride for my accomplishment. Because once upon a time I couldn’t do one squat. And if someone had suggested going to the gym to me I would have laughed at them while stuffing my face with a Big Mac. But that was then and this is now. And I don’t know what I would do without my workouts. So much so, that I went back again tonight. A glutton for punishment I suppose, but when my life is full of stress it’s my best outlet. And call me crazy, but it’s fun. To start off my workout numero dos, one of the trainers jokingly told me to do push-ups while jumping sideways across the room. So basically it entailed doing a push up, and as I pushed up leaping sideways and landing into another push up. It’s a very challenging core exercise that he was basically taunting me with in a “there’s no way you can do this” voice. So in my competitive nature I looked him square in the face and said ok, and proceeded to bang out five in a row as he excitedly jumped up and down that I could in fact actually show him up. After I got up from the last one a woman standing off to the side who was previously complaining about holding a plank asked what I was doing there. Why did I need personal training. Basically it came off as…you’re a show off who makes me look bad get out.

Now, I wanted to snap, “Well I used to be fat like you but then I started going to the gym and actually putting effort in and now I’m a fucking skinny badass.” But I just simply smirked, walked away, and began benching two forty pound weights instead. It always amazes me when people watch me work out that they assume I was just born an athlete. That I put no effort into my exercises and I don’t belong at a gym designed for personal training. But what those people don’t know is that it was only a few years ago that I was the grossly overweight client complaining about being out of breath and having all these aches and pains. Eighty-five pounds ago, I might have even had the same attitude to someone like me now. But with hard work and some amazing trainers I get to show off. I’ve earned it. I put hard work in every single day. I especially put hard work in now because I never want to return to what I used to be. I have learned the importance of taking care of my body, and have made building muscle and trimming fat my new addictions. Forget gorging out on bags of chips and fast food marathons. Forget being lazy and making the perfect mold of my ass on the couch. Instead of reaching for cigarettes, food, drugs, or alcohol; I reach for dumbbells, medicine balls, foam rollers, and lots and lots of water. You all should try it…hard work pays off. I’m living proof.