Keep Walking, I Like the View

A few days ago I was walking my dog along one of our regular routes. Half way through this particular route there is a giant fairly steep hill we have to climb. Ahead of us was a man on a bike who steadied his feet on the ground and told us to pass him. As we walked up the hill I could feel the guy staring at me. When I turned around he smiled and told me to keep going, he was enjoying the view. I was kind of shocked at the comment but suggested he ride ahead, we didn’t want to slow him down, and we crossed the street to go up the other side. But then so did the man on the bike. I picked up my pace a little and made my way to the DPW entrance at the top of the hill. Right behind me the whole way was this jerk who kept making comments about my ass and my legs. I turned around and said “thanks” very plainly, and he sped down the hill screaming a word I chose not to repeat, and disappeared out of sight. My heart was racing and I was pretty angry. But what was I going to do? Call the cops and report it? What would be the point? I didn’t know the guy. I was more focussed on getting away from him than anything so I wouldn’t have been able to give a description, and my honest thought was that I’d be wasting their time and they would tell me to just ignore it. And that’s what probably happens a good majority of the time when these things happen. It gets brushed aside as just something that happens occasionally. So for anyone who thinks rape culture doesn’t exist you’re just lying to yourself. The fact that I can’t even walk my dog in a quiet suburban town without being harassed is ridiculous. It’s actually a real problem in this society that, in my opinion, has only been amplified by pop culture, the government, and everyone’s immense effort to cover up incidents of sexual harassment and sexual assault across the spectrum from college campuses to celebrities.

Take the Stanford Rape case that took the country by storm last year. It just seemed absolutely unfathomable to me that even with all that PROOF. And even after the UNANIMOUS CONVICTION, there could be such a small sentence issued. And in the judge’s ruling he cited his reasoning for such a small sentence as the emotional trauma jail time would cause the young offender. NOTHING about the emotional trauma his victim will face for the rest of her life. NOTHING. And what about recordings of our president degrading women, multiple times! OUR PRESIDENT! What about our society at all encourages victims of sexual assault to come forward? Very little. Today actually is the anniversary of my own sexual assault. And it took me years before I was able to come forward. And sometimes I still struggle with it. I’ll be completely honest with you. The past few weeks I’ve been waking up sweating from nightmares about it. And it’s been years now since it’s happened. But those nightmares make it feel like I’m reliving it. Over. And over. It’s exhausting. It even makes me feel defeated. Because I bet the man who raped me never gave me a  second thought. And here I am, 10 years later, fully knowing he can never hurt me again, and still letting him get inside my head from time to time.

But how do we change rape culture when it’s embedded so deep? We can’t just throw our hands up and say, “oh well,” and shrug it off. It can’t be ok to just pay people to be silent about incidents of sexual harassment and assault. It can’t be ok for college campuses to sweep things under the rug to save face and not lose potential or current students or donors. How do we teach people to be decent human beings when the issues go all the way to the top? This country voted in a man who was caught on tape being vulgar towards women. We have pro athletes who literally get away with murder and who can pay a fine to get back in the game after beating their significant other. We have federal judges who make taking a rapist to court seem like a joke. And it’s not like these are a few isolated incidents. This is happening every day whether we choose to see it or not. It’s happening. And until it happens to you or someone you care about, we are blind to it. I always thought, “it could never happen to me,” but it did. And it can happen to anyone. So what are we going to do about it?

My Story Matters

Sexual Assault Awareness Advocacy is something I’ve always kind of been on the fence with. Not in the general sense, but on a personal level. During my healing process I have often been asked if I would ever consider speaking to people, or going beyond writing a blog that people may or may not read, but to reach out to others and share my story. I’ve always brushed off the idea with the attitude that nothing I say is going to matter to anyone. Or, how am I going to help people? So I ignored the suggestions and off and on blog whenever the mood hits me to write. But yesterday one of my friends came to me in confidence to share that she had been sexually assaulted her first night back to school. She was upset and asked me what to do, and I told her she had a voice. That she should report it and I would help her in whatever way I could. But she, like I had done, didn’t want to report it. She wants to forget about it. And she wants so desperately to erase that moment in time. And as much as I wish she would stand up and fight, I feel like I’m not in the position to persuade her otherwise. But I felt obligated to try anyways.

By the end of our conversation, my friend agreed that she wouldn’t be comfortable unless she made an effort to prevent the scumbag from hurting anyone else. And I’m really proud of her for deciding to take the road I was too scared to take. It killed me to see someone I know hurt in a way I am all too familiar with. Killed me. I wouldn’t wish this experience on my worst enemy. And having it happen to a friend is just absolutely devastating. I always felt that my story didn’t matter, that in the end all my story was, was just another statistic. But my story is what led my friend to reach out to me. When she was feeling lost, hurt, confused, ashamed, and alone…she remembered reading my blog. And because she remembered reading my blog, she reached out to me when she didn’t know who else to turn to. It was eye opening to me. To realize that I could have an impact on people, and that I did have an impact. Granted I would prefer my impact on people be related to my weight loss and strength training campaign, but none the less I learned my story matters. For the first time I understood why so many of the counselors I have worked with have always encouraged me to be an advocate. And personally for me I remembered how I felt the night I was raped. I was afraid, and hurt, and ashamed, and alone. So much so that I felt there was no one I could turn to. So I didn’t. And instead suffered years in silence. No one should have to go through this experience alone. And although sexual assault is something I wish I wasn’t an expert in, I’m glad that my story helped at least one person as she begins her own healing process.

Be Aware

April is National Sexual Assault Awareness month. Thirty days where various organizations overload us with facts and advice on sexual assault prevention and bombard us with statistics that are just terrible and embarrassing for mankind. I spoke to the director of MAAV today, and as we were talking about recent high profile cases of sexual assault in the news she touched on how heartbreaking stories like Steubenville are. Which led into a brief discussion on how she loves her job and how rewarding it is, but at the same time it’s kind of sad that she knows she will never be un-employeed. Her focus goes beyond the month of April to every day of the year. A constant effort to educate men and women on sexual assault prevention. And provide continuous resources for those affected by sexual assault and its aftermath. It never ends. Until we as humans learn to be decent and respectable beings, it will never end.

The focus on sexual assault prevention statistically is focused on providing women with the knowledge and skills to defend themselves. Walk in pairs at night. Know your surroundings. Don’t take drinks from strangers. Learn self defense. So the question that was brought up today was, what about men? Why can’t we just teach men to respect women. If anyone can answer that for me, please step forward.

Victim blaming is a HUGE issue in sexual assault cases. She was drunk. She dressed provocatively. She was alone at night. Seriously? Those actions are invitations for rape? So why would one man walk past a drunken female walking home alone at night and keep going, and another attack? It’s not the victim’s fault. We never “ask” for it. It is taken without our permission, by someone who lacks decency and respect for a fellow human being. But how do we teach respect? How do we teach people to do the right thing? And that’s an issue that goes beyond sexual assault. It applies to all crime. And unfortunately that’s an issue that seems to only be getting worse not better.

My message is clear. April may be the month designated for sexual assault awareness, but we should be aware always. Aware of our surroundings. Aware of our actions. Aware of how we want to be seen as human beings.

It can happen to you.

April has been designated  Sexual Assault Awareness Month here in the United States. The intent is to educate both men and women on healthy sexual relationships and bring awareness as to what constitutes sexual assault, who can be victims, and how to reduce your risk of sexual assault. I think it is very important that we educate each other on sexual assault because far too many of us have adopted the mentality of “it can’t happen to me.” I was one of those people. But guess what, it CAN happen to you. It happened to me.

A sexual assault is any form of unwanted sexual acts by force or threat. Different from other crimes, sexual assault is very personal. The attacker takes something that is supposed to be intimate and personal and violently destroys it. No one should have to endure that kind of unsolicited emotional and physical pain. Identifying high risk situations and taking steps to prevent yourself from being caught in them is a key factor in reducing the risk for sexual assault. for example, be aware of your surroundings. If you can help it, don’t walk alone at night in dimly lit areas, and don’t wander away from friends with people you aren’t familiar with, especially if no one knows where you are going. These things may seem like common sense but you would be surprised how quickly one can forget, or in my case, ignore, better judgement.  One of my biggest regrets in regards to the whole issue of sexual assault awareness is not paying attention to all the assemblies and resources that were provided for me when I was younger. Something I can’t hammer home enough to all the young readers out there is that these assemblies are more than just a way to get out of class. Unfortunately, they are necessary tools of communication because there are people out there who take pleasure in hurting others. And no matter how invincible you may think you are, there is always the possibility that something could happen to you. Pay attention. Listen. Absorb the information. Prepare yourself in hopes that you never have to encounter an incident of sexual assault first hand. And if by some unfortunate chance you ever do, don’t be ashamed. Ask for help.

Shame is often associated with sexual assault. Because of this, sexual assaults are severely under reported. According to RAINN.org, 54% of sexual assaults go unreported every year and 97% of rapists never spend a minute behind bars. These statistics are a direct reflection of the stigma associated with sexual assault. I know that for me personally after I was sexually assaulted my first thoughts weren’t about punishing who did this to me, but rather how could I hide this from people. I was ashamed and embarrassed. It took me years to understand that what happened wasn’t my fault, and that I didn’t have to cope with the aftermath alone. My signature phrase became “I’m fine.” But in all honesty I was a complete wreck. I don’t want anyone to have to feel the way I felt for so long. It is perfectly fine to not be “fine.” If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted know you are never at fault, and know that there are people out there who can help you. Whether you just need someone to talk to, or someone to care for you, or someone to just listen to you scream, vent, and cry. Know there is that someone out there. I truly wish no one would have to experience the trauma of a sexual assault, but sadly I know that I will never be alone in that experience. I can’t rid the world of rapists and horrible people, all I can do is offer my love and support to whomever may need it.