#yesallwomen

I thought twice about writing this. Then I thought three times before posting this. But in the end I decided I’m prepared to deal with the consequences…

Once again I find myself a woman in a man’s world. Back at a job where typically men have us outnumbered but us women are catching up. Working at the bakery surrounded by mostly females, I had forgotten what it was like to hear the shop talk that often circulates between the boys. And I call them boys, not men, because real men respect women and don’t shout degrading comments to each other about female customers. Haven’t we all seen the twitter campaigns and the celebrities endorsing women’s rights? And after that horrific incident in California the hashtag #yesallwomen that took the internet by storm? I have a few to add. #yesallwomen are people too. #yesallwomen have feelings. #yesallwomen feel uncomfortable because of idiots like you.

The incident in question happened a week ago, possibly even more than a week ago but it has really stuck with me. And I’ve stewed over it. And the more it pops back into my head the angrier I get. You better believe I stood up and said something when it happened. But the response I was met with was not at all any form of apology or shame. It was anger. Defiance. Not a sliver of understanding about hurt, feelings, or right or wrong. The bad effect it could have on business. The ill reputation that could follow this person through this small community where the store is like walking into an episode of cheers where everyone knows your name. It was all about how they do this all the time. Why is it different now? Why am I getting yelled at? I just didn’t understand how this was rocket science. Women are human beings. They possess feelings. They aren’t objects to be rated then given a number on a fuckable scale. I get boys will be boys. And to do it quietly is one thing, even though I still don’t agree with it. But to shout across the store with other customers, other WOMEN customers, was embarrassing, appalling, and incredibly wrong on so many levels I still can’t wrap my head around it.

It concerns me how boys are growing up these days. My cousin jokes that his wife hugs their two little boys too much. That they need to toughen up. But incidents like this make me want to hug them ten times more. And teach them from a young age about love and respect and treating everyone the same. I want to trap them in this bubble where they give spontaneous hugs and tell you that they love you for no reason other than you opened their yogurt in the morning or you colored in the right ice cream truck on the Friendly’s placemat. I want them stuck in this phase where they think I’m a superhero and the coolest person to take them to school because I’m “not an adult.” I don’t want them to know the evil in the world. And I know that’s impossible. That they’re going to grow up, and one day I’ll just be a boring cousin to them, but I can’t help but try to calculate in my head how much time I have to teach them all the things I want to teach them and I’m not even their parent. And they have great parents! I just don’t want to leave anything to chance. Because somewhere there is a gap in our society and culture where men learn to dominate, demean, and hurt women for no other reason than they feel like it.

My staff knows nothing of my past. They don’t know that I am a sexual assault survivor. They don’t know that every time they joke about rape in any context my blood boils. And I don’t really think it’s their business. And I didn’t think I needed a reason to call someone out for being disrespectful. I guess that makes me naive to assume that most men are reasonable, mature and respectful human beings. But it still shouldn’t matter. I didn’t, and shouldn’t have to, tell them what they say makes me uncomfortable and angry because of my past. It should be enough to take someone aside and tell them that as a female I feel disrespected by their actions and comments. And it still doesn’t sit well with me that to avoid further escalation it had to end in an “agree to disagree” screaming match to avoid causing any more of a scene. But I really don’t know who I’m more mad at, the boys…or myself. Did I handle it correctly? Should I be holding a staff meeting on sexual harassment and mutual respect? Do I need to print off booklets on how to treat women? Should I just be chalking this up to being a woman in a man’s world? I don’t know. What I do know is, #yesallwomen deserve to feel safe and respected no matter what.